So much for my “post every day” plan!
Turns out that I didn’t need to revisit the last week of Dad’s life in detail after all. The actual anniversary was in the small hours of this morning – and yes, I woke briefly. No significant dreams to report, rather a gentle sense of comfort and connection, and floating off again into deep and restful sleep.
Beyond these final days, I said to you,
I know there will be joy for each of us;
though you may find it sooner than I do.
And so, I said to you,
I’ll do my best to choose joy now;
though I reserve the right to weep.
You smiled, and nodded certainty,
then said goodnight and slipped away,
your rumpled flesh like party clothes
discarded on the bed.
And now I feel you dancing.
No decorous foxtrot for you,
but rather heel-kicking jive and twist,
whirling, exuberant, in the music of the stars.
My blood hears the echo of that beat
and my heart lifts high and wide,
beyond the tears.
If such a thing as time existed where you are
you’d fill each glorious second
with undoubting bliss.
I will catch up soon.
You have become joy;
how could I be less?
A year on, I have caught up. Joy is my default position, though of course there are days when anger or grief or frustration appear. But I honour those feelings when they emerge, let them flow, and then return to that dancing joy which is my birthright.
There are still some things I want to say. I talked about the experience in depth on another blogsite; and I’ve acknowledged Sue and Sandi. Now it’s time to do the same for the rest of the family.
Love you, guys!!
To Alistair – thank you for finding a way to keep your business going, spend every hour possible by Dad’s bedside and still be conscious of your family’s needs. You were probably stretched the most thinly of all of us, and that didn’t go unnoticed. And thank you for sharing the big secret confession – I still smile thinking about that moment ;-)
To Andrew – thank you for taking so much responsibility on those broad shoulders. Not just the administrative minutiae from which I thankfully ran like the wind; but all the tiny details of making sure everyone had what they needed, all the time. That got noticed, too.
Olivia, Jeremy, Mackenzie, Callum, Riley and Baxter – you guys were AWESOME. Each of you brought the blessing of your presence and your unique personality, and because of you that weekend party rocked!
To my beautiful hubby – thank you for your quiet strength, your mad sense of humour and your wisdom in knowing which was needed at any given moment.
And to Mum – thank you. For everything.